Never Date a guy who……You refer to as Carlos Danger in your phone take two


After the epic failure of my date in Dallas, who gives this crazy, perverted, ridiculous guy another chance? I do! I justified it in my head since I was getting on a plane to go down to Puerto Vallarta for a weekend. I knew I was never going to sleep with this guy, let alone kiss him, so it was going to be fine.  I would have my own room and I was going to bring a good book to pass the time when I wasn’t at the spa or having dinner with him.

I was looking forward to this mini vacation. I was going to relax, get some sun, and get out of dodge for a couple days and most of all I wasn’t paying for any of it. I loved the fact that he had to fly me down there first class since coach was sold out, too. Two days before my flight, Carlos Danger called to confirm and asked that I invite a friend to go with me because he was going to be busy finalizing things with his ex-wife the same weekend. I didn’t know who I was going to invite and who would be able to leave the country on such short notice. Most of my girlfriends have a husband and kids, what friend was going to be able to just skip town? I was trying to think, and the only person I knew that I would want to see, the only one that I travel best with was on the opposite side of the country.

I called her thinking I was going to get a big fat NO. But I had to try and at least ask the question. I asked her if she was busy this weekend coming up, and she said that she and her husband had plans Friday night to attend a Gala. I asked her for a favor, “I’m going to Puerto Vallarta and wanted to know if you could come, all expenses paid, what do you think?” She said she could fly out Saturday morning and I said, “SOLD!”  I was so grateful she was willing to do this “favor” for me last minute. Then she messaged me asking for my flight information and she let me know her husband told her to go and to not worry about their plans, since this was a chance in a lifetime. And we were on our way to Mexico, Ole!

My girlfriend being the trooper that she is, had one day to pack and get ready. She called me when she printed out her boarding pass and I’ll never forget when she said she was sitting in 1B. She had never flown first class before and she fell on the floor with excitement.  I was excited that she could share this experience with me, when there was no one else in the world that knows me better than her.

She landed a couple hours before I did and was going to meet me at the hotel. When I checked into the hotel and they showed me to my room I could not believe it. She opened up the door to greet me with a big hug and a big martini. We were in paradise and could not believe we were seeing each other on someone else’s tab. I walked into the room and I just about fell over with amazement. Our room was bigger than my condo. Our penthouse not only had a balcony looking out to the ocean, but upstairs was our own private infinity pool. Holy SHIT!!! I was super impressed, but definitely not enough to spread my legs for him.  Carlos Danger called and let me know he was going to meet up with us on Saturday and we didn’t care. We drank and caught up that night and got a good night’s sleep. We needed it because we had no idea what was going to be in store for us the next couple days…

We woke up on Saturday and ordered room service that included a couple bottles of champagne, Vueve Clicquot no less, and a side of fresh fruit.  We scheduled appointments at the spa that afternoon for massage, facials and a mani-pedi. When our experience was just about up, the nice ladies at the spa surprised us with some whiskey to top everything off. This was every girl’s dream and I was living it. We walked out of the spa and who was sitting there right outside waiting for me… you guessed it, Carlos Danger. I wasn’t sure if he was being a stalker or it was coincidence, but I didn’t care. He asked us to join him as he was meeting his parents there for lunch. We had an incredible lunch laughing with him and his parents. At this point he was still very normal and no signs of the creature that I saw back in Dallas.

After lunch my girlfriend and I headed back to the room and lounged around our pool all day until we had to get ready for our evening with Carlos. My girlfriend and I got dolled up to go to his boss’s house. A golf cart was waiting for us at the entrance of the hotel to take us to this house that was something out of the movie Scarface. We walked in and there were butlers there to greet us and take us out to the open patio that looked more like a resort than a home. We ordered a drink and sat next to Carlos and there it was, the devil was starting to reappear, slowly he was crawling out.

At this point, my girlfriend and I had been drinking pretty much all day and were feeling on top of the world, and that’s when Carlos told me how high he was. My friend and I were feeling great, drinks were flowing and we were in paradise, I didn’t care about what he was doing. I was so buzzed, I wasn’t even thinking straight; I totally forgot that when he does this shit he ends up being all-consumed with sex. After a while, we ended up going back to our room bringing the devil with us. What a brilliant move that was…

Needless to say we got back to the room and muchas fiestas continued. We turned on some music, made some cocktails and that is when the stories started flowing. My girlfriend and I just sat there being spectators of the shit that started spewing from this man’s mouth. Every story started with, “Listen, listen…” “Listen, listen, let me tell you about the time when this young girl was in my office and was sucking my dick. Listen, listen, let me tell you about the time I screwed my driver’s wife in the car. Listen, listen..” It went on and on and on… And just when you think you had enough… “Listen, listen…” I think he told us about every woman who he slept with and who had gone down on him. I wonder if he thought that this was turning me on, I’m sure he did because he would not shut up. I finally had enough and popped an ambien and went to bed. I feel bad that I left my friend to hang out with him, but at least I got some sleep.

I woke up the next morning and they still had not slept. She told me that she had taken an ambien as well, but never got the chance to go to sleep because of all his talking! He left shortly after I woke up and my girlfriend and I were in no shape to do anything that day but pick up the phone and call for food. We never left the room and laid around all day relaxing and watching telenovelas. We were supposed to see Carlos on our last night there, but my girlfriend was hurting so bad that she decided to sleep and I went out on the town with him by myself.

Carlos took me to dinner at a local restaurant and he started to tell me about what I missed while I was sleeping. Apparently I missed the part where Carlos put on porn and was trying to hook up with my friend’s 20 year old niece! All night long he kept asking me how I would feel about him flying my friend’s niece and me down there another time to party. I gave him the squinty eye look and asked him what planet he thought he was on? How could he ever think that I would be ok with that? I was trying not to scream as this conversation took place and it was hard to contain myself. At this point, all I wanted to do was return to my room and go to bed, but since he paid for everything I had to hang out with him. Looking back, he never was touchy feely ever with me, he just talked about what he had done and all the things he was hoping to do with me one day. I brushed it off while in my head I wanted to strangle his ass and put tape over his mouth. I wish I had brought a pair of ear plugs with me on our date; it would have made that night a million times better. After Puerto Vallarta I am probably going to have a pair in my purse at all times just in case I’m out with a guy who just keeps talking about themselves. It is a win – win for all parties; he gets to talk about himself and I don’t have to listen.

The night ended right before my ears started to bleed from the conversations with Carlos Danger. I woke up the next morning to tell my girlfriend about my bizarre evening. I asked her why he knew about her niece. She said that she was just showing him pictures of her family and he saw her and asked twenty questions about her after that. She thought it was disgusting, but what can you say when you are staying at the pervert’s hotel? We packed up our things and drank champagne and we said cheers to seeing each other and to an exciting/creepy/ strange/pampered weekend!




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