Never date the guy who……gives you their resume on the first date


Have you ever gone out with a guy for the first time and all they do talk about themselves? They are basically giving you their resume on the first date. I would have to say this title represents several men that I have gone out with, not just one. But one particular man I went out with stuck out to me; his name was Brian.  When you show up for the first date, you are excited about meeting someone new and getting to know them. When I showed up to have dinner with Brian to listen to him, I mean, get to know him. I was looking forward to this date; Brian was about ten years older than me, never married and no kids! Usually the guys that I meet at this point are divorced with a couple of kids. It’s rare to meet a man who doesn’t have baggage, and that was very attractive about Brian.

Brian took me to a very nice steakhouse in our neighborhood. We walked in and walked right up to the bar. Brian is a local patron of this place and knew the bartender very well. I ordered a martini and he had a glass of wine and that’s when diarrhea of the mouth started… At first I thought he was being nice when he started to talk about himself; because sharing is caring, right? He first started to tell me that he was born and raised in Wisconsin. He is a huge Green Bay Packers and Badgers fan by the way. He then went on to tell me about how he used to own a paychecks company and had just recently sold it and is now enjoying retirement. Then he went on to tell me about all the vacations he had planned that summer; along with telling me about his second home in Maui… Brian was very interesting and seemed like a busy individual.

At one point I would interject a couple of tidbits about my life and share the things that interested me. Then the conversation would quickly shift back to him;  to talk about how amazing Maui is, how much fun he has there, all of the sun he gets when he is there and all of the family and friends that fly out to visit him while he is there.  At this point I was hearing what he was saying, but I cared more about what I was going to eat for dinner. I would just respond with an occasional, “Wow” or “You don’t say?” And my personal favorite, “That’s awesome!” He didn’t have a clue that I was bored and didn’t really care about what he was saying. I just sat there and smiled and kept ordering martinis.

Our dinner finally arrived and since we were too busy eating, Brian could not continue his conversation about himself. Shortly after dinner; Brian got the check and we left the restaurant. He walked me back to my building and gave me an innocent kiss on the lips goodnight. I said thank you and went on my merry way. I saw Brian only once more after our first date. We spent the day together at one of the Hotel pools working on our tan and ate lunch poolside. It was a nice relaxing afternoon with pleasant conversation about him and his life.  When the bill came he said he would pay me back because he didn’t want break one of his hundred dollar bills. Of course he never paid me and we never spent time together again.  I see him around every once in a while and we say hi and are friendly. It is funny though, the times he does blatantly ignore me is when he is on a date. Not sure why he acts like that, because I couldn’t care less…

About a year later my girlfriend went out on a date with a new guy she met on one of those Millionaire Dating websites. She met him for lunch and as the date progressed he talked about himself , his condo in Maui, how he recently retired , sold his old company, how much golf he likes to play and all of his future travel plans. He spent most of the date talking about himself, my girlfriend said. Then he mentioned what building he lived in, my girlfriend said, “I know a couple of people that live there, do you know my girlfriend Andrea?” Brian acknowledged that he knew me, but failed to let her know that we had gone out on a couple of dates. When my girlfriend called she could not wait to tell me the story about her date.

I asked her; do you know about his condo in Maui? Do you know that he is retired and sold his old company? Did he talk about all his travels? She said yes to all of my questions. We laughed about it. I could have taped my conversation with Brian on my date and my girlfriend could have just played it during hers. He basically told her the exact same things that he told me. Does he memorize a script for every woman he goes out with? He must think that all women care about his life as much as he does. Needless to say my girlfriend never went out with him again; I think she wasn’t impressed with his resume. She was probably bored listening to him talk about himself.

Last time I ran into Brian; he was at the pool sitting in the Jacuzzi with a young blonde. She looked about half his age and her breasts looked more like a pair of cantaloupes sitting on her chest. I did my best not to stare as I was walking by. I was shocked that Brian would be seen with a gal that looked like she performed at the local strip club or starred in adult movies. I guess with all of his money, it still doesn’t make him a classy guy.




Never date the guy who……is going through a midlife crisis

mid life

Chuckie is my good friend, we have never dated but this type of guy is definitely worth warning my girlfriends about.  I have known Chuckie for three to four years now; we live in the same building and are neighbors. I met Chuckie one night at a bar across the street from our building. I was with my neighbor Stacey and we were at the entrance about ready to walk in to the bar and all of a sudden this guy walks up to me and described my key ring (it is pretty unique). I looked at him and asked how he knew, and he replied I see you all the time in the gym in our building. Chuckie introduced himself to my girlfriend and me and went on his merry way. Turns out that Chuckie parks next to me in the garage, because a week later I was pulling into my spot and there was Chuckie showing off his new sports car to his friends.

I was coming home from shopping and had a whole bunch of stuff in my hands as I was walking by his car to get to the elevator. He said hi and gave me a hug and offered to help me carry the things to my place. He carried a couple of bags for me and when we got to my apartment he invited me to join him and his friends at his place since he was having a party. He was super friendly and outgoing so I said, what the hell. When I got to his place he introduced me to all of his friends and his girlfriend of 6 years. She was very pretty; she had long, brown, straight hair and was tall and thin (I was so envious). His girlfriend was very nice and everyone was very friendly at his place. I stayed for about an hour and met some new people. Chuckie and I exchanged phone numbers and both wanted to meet up sometime for happy hour, as his friends looked like lots of fun.

Since meeting Chuckie I have hung out with him and his friends about a dozen times. If I was home and wanted to go out, I would call Chuckie since he always seemed to be going out and doing something. And many times I would run into him when I was out with my friends and I would always end up hanging out with him by the end of the night. Chuckie and I’s relationship was more of a brother – sister type. I never felt that he was going to make a move on me when his girlfriend wasn’t around.

I always wondered how serious Chuckie and Nicole’s relationship was since they were on a schedule that has never changed since they started dating. They would see each other every Tuesday night and a night on the weekends. I thought this was crazy since they had been together so long. This was a dating schedule when people first start out dating, not when you had been together for years. Chuckie didn’t want to have kids and never wanted to move in with Nicole. He liked having his space.  This was just about every guy’s dream; he had his cake and ate it too. He could go out with his friends all the time and see his chick on the side. I told him he had better keep her as long as possible because just about every gal I know would not be cool with that set up.

Last summer Chuckie came over to my place to watch television and catch up; he walks in and immediately tells me that Nicole just dumped him. He didn’t see this coming, he had no clue what happened or why. She came over the night before and told him she wanted to break up. I can’t say I was shocked; I’m surprised she put up with that situation for nine years. I’m pretty sure she wanted to get married and have kids at some point and she was with a guy who would never give that to her. After they broke up, that is when Chuckie went into a tail spin…

Chuckie had something to prove to the world and himself that he was still cool, could party hard and still get chicks. It was kind of ridiculous, but I guess a guy has to do what I guy has to do to get over his ex. I kept telling him and reassuring him that he is a good catch and he just needed to find the right gal and most importantly; be open to marriage, or he will never have another relationship again. Any woman who comes across Chuckie at this point will be just wasting their time and just be a notch on his belt. Chuckie is still going strong after nine months of being single. He is shacking up with a twenty-five year old and partying every weekend. He is a nice guy, but I wish he would grow up and act his age. The way he has gone off the deep end with the partying has become unattractive. I don’t even like hanging out with him anymore because he is acting like he is in his twenties and in a fraternity. The last time I talked to him he was going on vacation and renting a yacht with his friends and bought some glow in the dark body paint for the trip… This is something I would have done fifteen years ago; he is too exhausting to keep up with.

If you ever come across a guy who in in the mid-life crisis…run! Run fast for the hills. You can always spot them too; they are usually in the mid-forties or so, drive a sports car (usually red) and are trying to relive their twenties. If you are just looking to have a good time, then jump on board for the good time while it lasts because you probably will not last that long on that party train.


Never date the guy who……is obsessed with their boobie birthday cake


His name was Brady, we met when I was nineteen on the dance floor of a club. Brady was a mutual friend of the group I was with at the bar. He was in the same fraternity that my guy friends were rushing that semester. He had this innocent, boyish look to him. He was not much taller than me, with the bluest eyes and sandy blonde hair. Our mutual friend Andy later gave Brady my number and shortly after our meeting he called to ask me out on a date.

I will never forget our first date; since we were both so young and underage we didn’t have a ton of options of things to do. He picked me up and we went to dinner and a movie. He was so sweet that when he went to the concessions counter he asked me if I needed anything and I said no; he came back with a drink for himself and he bought me a drink anyways. I had never had a guy be so thoughtful and considerate after I had declined his offer. That is why I am so puzzled by the treatment he gave me at his birthday party sixteen years later…

Fast forward sixteen years later and the invention of Facebook, Brady and I reconnected. He was the same well-mannered and respectful guy I remembered from college; and he looked the exact same! I don’t think anything had changed one bit. He still had all his hair, he didn’t gain any weight and his face still looked like he was nineteen. We started to see each other, things were moving in the right direction and he invited me to be his date for his thirty-fifth birthday party in a couple weeks.  He was buying a couple of tables at a lounge and invited about twenty of his friends. I could not wait to attend his party with the birthday boy.

The night of his party had finally come. I arrived at his place early so I could give him his presents and get ready for the evening. I had packed a bag for the weekend since he and I made plans to spend the weekend together. Slowly his friends started to arrive at his place one by one. I invited my longtime girlfriend that Brady knew from college days so he would not feel like he had to entertain me for the evening.  I wanted him to have a fun night with his friends and didn’t want him to worry about me enjoying the party. The very last guests to arrive were his two good gal friends he had met within the last couple years. They showed up with a present for Brady; his birthday cake. This was not your normal birthday cake; this cake was shaped like a nice, big set of boobies.

Brady was elated when the girls presented him with his cake. Everyone wanted to get a picture of Brady with this boobie cake. I was standing in the back of the room at this point with my girlfriend observing what was going on. At first I didn’t really care, it was all in good fun. But when the pictures started snapping, I started to get annoyed. It wasn’t enough to get one or two pictures; he was standing there posing with the cake in all different positions. His tongue was sticking out pretending to lick the cake to different hand positions for about ten minutes. It was at a point where it was obnoxious.

After the photo shoot everyone headed to the bar to celebrate the birthday boy. I went with my girlfriend since she wasn’t going to stay all night and we were going to meet up with everyone there. We arrived and there were a couple of tables set aside in the back for Brady’s guests. My girlfriend and I ended up sitting with one of Brady’s college buddies that we knew back in the day. We were sitting around drinking and catching up. After about an hour I thought it was weird that Brady had not once come up to me to see how I was doing. I got up to go check in with him, as I was heading in his direction he took off and went the other way. He literally saw me heading in his direction and he climbed over the couch to avoid me. It was clear at this point he wanted nothing to do with me, which kind of puzzled me.

I went back to my table and told my girlfriend what had happened, she was puzzled too. My girlfriend is pretty level headed and would call me out on my actions if I was in the wrong. If she thought I didn’t do anything wrong, I pretty much knew I was innocent. After about another hour of Brady ignoring me I got up the nerve to confront him. I marched right up to him and had to corner him so he would not run away. I asked him why he was ignoring me and he accused me of doing coke in the bathroom with his friend I was talking to. His excuse was one of the worst I had ever heard. I told him he was crazy because that was not at all what was going on. My girlfriend and I were talking to him because Brady certainly wasn’t talking to us.

After a couple minutes of arguing I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said yes. I told him that I needed his key because all of my things and car was at his place. He finally gave me the keys and I told him to never talk to me again. My girlfriend took me back to his place so I could gather up my things, take back his presents I gave him and leave. As I was about ready to walk out I happen to walk by the infamous boobie cake…and I could not help myself, I smashed and destroyed the cake with my hand. I didn’t even hesitate either. I took out all my anger on his stupid birthday cake. As my hand was smashing the cake, pieces went flying onto his walls, chairs and countertop. It never felt so good to make a mess. My girlfriend had to stop me from destroying it any further; she said I made my point. I walked out and never heard from him again… I got so much satisfaction that he got what he deserved.

Never date the guy who……lies about their age

age pic

What guy lies about their age? I always thought it was only women that do, heck I am sure I have once or twice in the past. I actually met a guy who did and I could not believe it; because WHAT GUY DOES THAT? I have been told that on online dating women lie about their weight and their age; men lie about their height and how much money they make. So I have to ask again, what guy lies about their age?

I met this group of people in my neighborhood and started hanging out with them all the time. The people in the group were mostly guys; they liked to go out and do my favorite thing, drink! They were fun and we would go out to happy hour just about every day of the week. I must say, this was probably one of the drunkest and social years of my life. One of the guys in the group’s name was Christian, boy was he cute. He was tall, tan and worked out all the time. I thought he was so cute and I was one of the guys amongst this group of guys going out drinking.

Of course he and I were attracted to each other and after a couple of group outings he and I started hanging out one on one. He knew that I was going out with his friends and developing friendships with his buddies. This is why I don’t understand why he would tell me false tales when I already knew the truth.  I knew how old he was, he happened to be the oldest amongst the group. I had asked his friends how old Christian was one night when he wasn’t around; he was five years older than me. When Christian and I would get together I never asked about his age because I already knew, that’s how come I was shocked one night I was over at his place that he made a comment about my age…

Christian had invited me over one night for dinner and a movie AKA: Netflix and chill. We were sitting on his couch and I started talking about as I get older how much harder it is to keep a flat stomach. As much as I would work out, it never seems to be as flat as it was when I was twenty. He asked how old I was and I told him I was about to be thirty-eight and then he remarked with this doozy, “Well you are no spring chicken anymore.” I would have had more expression in my forehead if it wasn’t so full of botox after that comment. Inside all I kept thinking was, this guy is older than me and he is telling me I am no spring chicken? I asked him, “Well, how old are you?” And he sat there and told me with a straight face that he was going to be thirty-six on his next birthday. I so wanted to ask to see his ID, but I did not have the balls to ask. I am sure he would have just come up with another lie.

That night while we were hanging out not only did he lie about age, he lied to me about how much money he made and owning the condo that he was renting. I guess the guy could not put two and two together and figure out that I knew the truth. His friends told me what a great deal he got on the rent at his place prior to him even moving into it. I guess he forgot that I was part of the group and knew the truth. What a stupid guy he was, and I guess I was pretty stupid for even hanging out with a guy who was that dumb.

The next day I messaged his friends to double check Christian’s age, they all replied with the answer I already knew. I told them that he actually told me he was thirty-five, they all had a good laugh. Christian became the butt of our jokes when I was out drinking with his buddies. Then one day we were all out at the bar and his friend Mike was there, this guy had the best comments when he was drunk. Mike asked Christian to see his ID, he wanted to check his age. I just about died! I could not believe what he just said. Of course, Christian just brushed it off and gave Mike the squinty eye look and said shut up.

I never hung out with Christian again, I could not deal with lies that he was trying to feed me. I really just wanted to tell him that he should own up to his real age because he looked great for forty-two, but he looked like shit for thirty-five (if that was the age he was claiming).

Never date a guy who……breaks up with you while you are on holiday with your friends

His name was Brad; tall, lean, dark brown hair and with a smile that would melt any woman’s heart. I met Brad when I was out with a group of friends after a sporting event. He was with some mutual friends at the bar and we ended up gravitating towards each other as the night grew older. He was very charming, outgoing and genuine. When he would laugh and show off his sparkly white teeth I could not help but stare at that handsome smile. It was starting to get late and I needed to go home. He offered to walk me home, as I lived two blocks from the bar. He walked me home and we exchanged phone numbers. It had been a long time since I had met someone where it was instant chemistry, I could not wait to see this person again.

We talked three days later and made plans to go out to dinner the following week. He worked down the street from my condo, so it was convenient to meet after work. I picked out a causal restaurant to walk to; I wanted to keep the date light and fun. We sat at the table talking endlessly for five hours. We had the same sense of humor; we made stupid jokes all night long. I don’t think there was a time on the date that I was not smiling, plus he was easy on the eyes. We pretty much shut down the restaurant that night as we didn’t want the evening to end. We left and he walked me home; I said thank you for dinner and we hugged good bye. I told him I would call him when I got back in town as I was leaving the next day for vacation and would be gone a week. I must have made a good impression on him because five minutes later he was calling me while he was driving home. We talked on the phone for another hour just rambling about nothing and laughing the whole time.

The next day to my surprise he messaged me saying what a good time he had and asked if I needed a ride to the airport. Of course I said yes! He picked me up and we went to go grab a quick drink before my flight. He was so sweet, I was so happy he was making the effort to see me before my trip. He dropped me at the airport and like a gentleman; he got my luggage for me and hugged me good bye. I blew him a kiss as he drove away. This was a fantastic start to a potentially new relationship…

I went to go visit family across the country and also made a stop at my best friend’s new place. My best friend had just recently moved away and I thought it would be nice to go see her home. I had so much fun on my trip going to a couple of different states and visiting with family and friends. I messaged Brad pictures of my adventures on my trip and he always was quick with a response.

He must have known when I was flying home because when I turned my phone on once I landed he had messaged me inviting me to dinner with his friends at a restaurant close to my place. By the time I was in a taxi heading home, he was wrapping up dinner. He persuaded me to meet up with him for a drink. I literally came home, dropped my luggage in the middle of my living room and quickly threw on a dress and heels and dashed back out the door. This is very unlike me to do, especially after being on a plane for 6 plus hours, but he was worth it, so I thought…

I met up with him at a bar a block from my place and it happened to be the grand opening of the newest night club across the street. He was on the guest list so we didn’t have to wait in line. It was crazy, I had just landed in town less than an hour ago and I’m at a night club on a school night! Yes, he was that cute because I didn’t even think about having to go to work the next day. After a bit of yelling at each other because the music was so loud, I told him I would walk him to his friends because he was too drunk to be alone. He looked like a lost puppy when I told him I needed to get home. Then he tells me, “I don’t want to hang out with my friends, the only reason why I stayed downtown was to see you.” Of course that was all that it took for me to invite him back to my place. I made sure to let him know that he was going to spend the night in my guest room and there was not going to be any hooking up. I really liked this guy; I didn’t want to screw it up.

We got back to my place and I made us a drink and I changed into my pajamas. He watched me unpack as we talked about my trip. It was getting pretty late at this point, so I put him to bed and kissed him on his forehead. I went to my bedroom and fell asleep and then in the middle of the night I get this tap, tap. I wake up and he is kneeled down in front of my face asking if he could cuddle with me. He was so cute and I was half asleep so I said fine, I just wanted to get some sleep. In the morning I took him to his car on my way to work, and that’s when he invited me to go see Journey the next night in Vegas. I told him that I would look at flights and I would get back to him.

I called him after a couple of hours and we booked our flights to Vegas. Our third date and I was getting on a plane with this person. I was going to be coming home hating him or really liking him; there would be no grey area. We flew off to Vegas and he was so adorable in every way. I felt like we had been dating for a while and it only had been ten days since our first date. We went to the concert and Journey performed songs from their most recent album, which we had never heard before. We ended up leaving the concert about half way through and went to the blackjack tables for the rest of the evening. We seemed to have fun no matter what we were doing. We walked around the casino talking and people watching before we headed back to the room for the evening.

We got ready for bed and within a minute we were kissing very slowly and gently as this was our first kiss we shared together. One thing led to another and the next thing I knew we were having sex. I told him to be gentle as this was the first time I had had sex that year and probably been about eight months since the last time I was with someone. His body felt so good and it was nice to be with a guy who wasn’t a player, but someone with genuine intentions. We woke up the next morning and had sex again and at this point I could barely walk and my inner thighs were hating me. It was just a reminder of how much sex I wasn’t having.

We finally made our way down to the pool to layout until we had to catch our flight. Like the good guy he is, he left to go get us drinks. When he left, I had to throw some trash away and that’s when I fell and completely ate shit. On the way back to my chair I lost by balance and twisted my ankle. I had a bunch of male lifeguards surrounding me to make sure it wasn’t broken. Brad returned and saw all these guys at my feet and was wondering what the hell was going on. My ankle was covered with ice until we had to leave.

We got to the airport and my ankle started swelling double in size, but oh well, I was too busy putting little kisses all over Brad’s handsome face. Once we landed back at home, just when I think Brad could not get any cuter, he goes and grabs me a wheelchair so I didn’t have to hobble out to the car. We went back to my place and he spent the night. We had sex again that night and I was in so much pain but it didn’t matter. I knew my body would bounce back after a couple of days.

We continued to see each other here and there. He had to balance dating me, taking care of his two teenage kids and a busy work schedule. Then right before I was leaving to go on my big vacation to Europe with a girlfriend, he took off to go to Vegas that weekend for a friend’s birthday.  He was supposed to take the first flight home Sunday morning and we would have the whole day together before I left for two weeks. He called me first thing Sunday morning to let me know he missed his flight. I was very upset that he could be so irresponsible. Since his friends weren’t leaving until Monday, he decided to stay in Vegas and party it up some more. He finally called me when he landed on Monday to apologize and tell me about his trip. And he included one little detail that I didn’t pay much attention to; that his ex-girlfriend of two years had reached out to him while he was on his trip. That little detail didn’t have much significance to me at the time. It was going to a big factor later.

He and I didn’t have time to see each other before my trip as he was busy with work and kids and I had to pack. We talked every night for a couple hours on the phone to make up for not seeing each other before my trip. I took off and went to Casablanca, Morocco first. I fell in love with the food and the people. Everyone was so nice and you could eat like a King for cheap. Brad and I talked and texted every day while I was in Morocco. Then a couple days later we took off to Barcelona, Spain. That is when Brad did a total 180, it was crickets pretty much after I landed in Spain. I didn’t understand what happened, what could have changed between us when I wasn’t even home to screw things up?

I was so preoccupied with Brad that I wasn’t having a good time. I was bitchy at times with my girlfriend because he was consuming my brain. My girlfriend and I went out to a club one night, it was bugging me that I still had not heard from him. We got back to the room and I messaged him, “I haven’t heard from you, have I done anything wrong?” I knew I had not, but I didn’t want to put him on defense, I wanted an honest answer.

I woke up the following morning to this book of a text message from Brad. It started off telling me how wonderful I am and what an amazing person that I am blah, blah, blah… Then he goes on to tell me that his ex-girlfriend and him had been talking and she wanted to try to date again and he needed to figure things out. He had a history with her and he felt it was worth it to work on their broken relationship. And to top it all off, she was flying in the same weekend I was flying home. He was supposed to pick me up from the airport and we had plans to spend Saturday night and all of Sunday together. Those plans were shot. I replied back telling him that I hated everything he just told me and he could have waited to tell me when I wasn’t half way across the world.  What does any girl who is on holiday in a beautiful place do? I put on my sexist bikini and went over to a fancy hotel and hung out at the pool all day drinking my troubles away. By my second glass of champagne I was fine (for now). My girlfriend and I enjoyed the rest of a trip together in paradise.

When I walked into my apartment from my trip that was when I was forced to deal with getting over him. I kept myself busy; I didn’t want to give myself too much time to dwell on the situation. Slowly, he and I started messaging back and forth here and there. And then one day he shows up at my front door with his kids out of the blue. He was at a game with them and it started pouring down rain. I guess showing up at my door was a better idea than calling a taxi? I still to this day don’t really know what that was all about. But we had talked that night when the kids were in bed and he told me about the weekend his ex flew out to “try” again. They spent the whole weekend fighting and the problems that they had in their relationship had reappeared instantly when they met up, and they never talked to each other again.

Brad and I never got back together. We still keep in touch and see each other every now and then. When we hang out, it is like no time has passed. There is never an awkward moment and all of the feelings that I felt about him reappear. I need to completely shut him out, so I can move on once and for all. But at the end of every failed attempt at a relationship I am still asking the question: Where is he?

Never date a guy who……splashes all over the toilet and doesn’t wipe it up!


They say moving in with someone changes everything in a relationship; I thought they were wrong. Prior to me moving in with my boyfriend at the time; I was spending the night at his place at least three to four times a week, what would be different once I was there full time? I knew this guy like the back of my hand; we were together for almost three years before we decided to cohabitate. What could possibly go wrong?

I moved in with high hopes of a happily ever after… that died about three weeks later. I immediately realized that this was one of the biggest mistakes that I had ever made. Everything was under a microscope now. I didn’t have the same outlook that I once did when I was just a guest there. When I was a guest a couple times a week, I failed to see the mess that this person lived in. I thought he wanted to spend more time with me than spending time cleaning his apartment when I was around.  Now that we were roommates I figured out that he was just lazy.

I lived with my girlfriends prior to him and to be honest; I wasn’t the tidiest person. When it came to cleaning, I would do the bare minimum. You know, just enough to give the impression that the place was clean.  For some reason something changed when I moved in with my boyfriend, all of a sudden I turned into a neat freak. I took pride in having a clean home, a spick and span place when we would entertain. At first I didn’t mind cleaning up after him, it was the only way things would get done. After a while I started to wonder if the only reason I was there was to be his maid.

I started to notice how quickly things around the apartment would get dirty with two people using it; i.e. the toilet. I didn’t have to share a bathroom when I lived with my girlfriends, so I was used to cleaning the toilet every couple weeks. Now it seemed like I was cleaning the toilet every couple of days. It didn’t help matters that he didn’t bother to put down the seat after he would use it. But one thing it did was expose all of the nasty, smelly, disgusting urine that was left behind when he walked out. I didn’t understand why he would not wipe up the splashes that he created. Didn’t his mom teach him to do that?

I would ask nicely at first to clean up his mess after he peed and to put the seat down, too. I didn’t think that was too much to ask since this was the home that we shared together. He took it as me bitching and told me the classic line, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” He deflected the issue and turned it around on me like he did everything else in our relationship. I let it go for a little while, I figured that since I had brought this issue to his attention that maybe he would be more conscious. I guess I was giving him more credit than he deserved, because nothing ever changed, EVER!  He didn’t even put one tiny little bit of effort into cleaning up his piss!

After a couple of months of cleaning up after my pig of a boyfriend, I pretty much had enough. I was sick of being the one that cleaned the apartment while he watched his stupid sports on the weekends. I used cleaning the apartment as an escape from watching ESPN and SportsCenter all day long on Saturday and Sunday. He always would tell me after the game he would pitch in and help me, but that of course never happened. I pretty much accepted that this was my life and this was how it was going to be, as I bitched under my breath.

Then one day I was at my breaking point with him and this issue. I had just gotten done with cleaning the urine stained toilet. I walked out of the bathroom to go get some other cleaning supplies to start on the shower and he came in and went to the bathroom as I walked out. I walked back in right after he was done and I looked down at the toilet I just got done scrubbing and I saw drips on the edge of the toilet bowl. I screamed at the top of my lungs so loud you would have thought someone had told me my mom had just died. I marched right out to the living room and yelled at him for pissing all over the toilet that I had just finished cleaning less than five minutes ago! Not only did he piss all over the toilet, he pissed all over the work I had just done. He called me a cunt and I grabbed the glass of water on the coffee table and threw it at his face. I felt he deserved it after calling me the ultimate bad word in the dictionary. It felt so good to see the look of shock when I did it, too.

My actions started a much bigger fight and we were calling each other everything in the book. Our relationship didn’t last much longer after this incident. I learned from living with this person how important it is to share the same standards of housework. I think you can avoid petty fights in a relationship if you are on the same page on the little things too. Also, next time I will pay for a maid!

Never Date a guy who……You refer to as Carlos Danger in your phone take two


After the epic failure of my date in Dallas, who gives this crazy, perverted, ridiculous guy another chance? I do! I justified it in my head since I was getting on a plane to go down to Puerto Vallarta for a weekend. I knew I was never going to sleep with this guy, let alone kiss him, so it was going to be fine.  I would have my own room and I was going to bring a good book to pass the time when I wasn’t at the spa or having dinner with him.

I was looking forward to this mini vacation. I was going to relax, get some sun, and get out of dodge for a couple days and most of all I wasn’t paying for any of it. I loved the fact that he had to fly me down there first class since coach was sold out, too. Two days before my flight, Carlos Danger called to confirm and asked that I invite a friend to go with me because he was going to be busy finalizing things with his ex-wife the same weekend. I didn’t know who I was going to invite and who would be able to leave the country on such short notice. Most of my girlfriends have a husband and kids, what friend was going to be able to just skip town? I was trying to think, and the only person I knew that I would want to see, the only one that I travel best with was on the opposite side of the country.

I called her thinking I was going to get a big fat NO. But I had to try and at least ask the question. I asked her if she was busy this weekend coming up, and she said that she and her husband had plans Friday night to attend a Gala. I asked her for a favor, “I’m going to Puerto Vallarta and wanted to know if you could come, all expenses paid, what do you think?” She said she could fly out Saturday morning and I said, “SOLD!”  I was so grateful she was willing to do this “favor” for me last minute. Then she messaged me asking for my flight information and she let me know her husband told her to go and to not worry about their plans, since this was a chance in a lifetime. And we were on our way to Mexico, Ole!

My girlfriend being the trooper that she is, had one day to pack and get ready. She called me when she printed out her boarding pass and I’ll never forget when she said she was sitting in 1B. She had never flown first class before and she fell on the floor with excitement.  I was excited that she could share this experience with me, when there was no one else in the world that knows me better than her.

She landed a couple hours before I did and was going to meet me at the hotel. When I checked into the hotel and they showed me to my room I could not believe it. She opened up the door to greet me with a big hug and a big martini. We were in paradise and could not believe we were seeing each other on someone else’s tab. I walked into the room and I just about fell over with amazement. Our room was bigger than my condo. Our penthouse not only had a balcony looking out to the ocean, but upstairs was our own private infinity pool. Holy SHIT!!! I was super impressed, but definitely not enough to spread my legs for him.  Carlos Danger called and let me know he was going to meet up with us on Saturday and we didn’t care. We drank and caught up that night and got a good night’s sleep. We needed it because we had no idea what was going to be in store for us the next couple days…

We woke up on Saturday and ordered room service that included a couple bottles of champagne, Vueve Clicquot no less, and a side of fresh fruit.  We scheduled appointments at the spa that afternoon for massage, facials and a mani-pedi. When our experience was just about up, the nice ladies at the spa surprised us with some whiskey to top everything off. This was every girl’s dream and I was living it. We walked out of the spa and who was sitting there right outside waiting for me… you guessed it, Carlos Danger. I wasn’t sure if he was being a stalker or it was coincidence, but I didn’t care. He asked us to join him as he was meeting his parents there for lunch. We had an incredible lunch laughing with him and his parents. At this point he was still very normal and no signs of the creature that I saw back in Dallas.

After lunch my girlfriend and I headed back to the room and lounged around our pool all day until we had to get ready for our evening with Carlos. My girlfriend and I got dolled up to go to his boss’s house. A golf cart was waiting for us at the entrance of the hotel to take us to this house that was something out of the movie Scarface. We walked in and there were butlers there to greet us and take us out to the open patio that looked more like a resort than a home. We ordered a drink and sat next to Carlos and there it was, the devil was starting to reappear, slowly he was crawling out.

At this point, my girlfriend and I had been drinking pretty much all day and were feeling on top of the world, and that’s when Carlos told me how high he was. My friend and I were feeling great, drinks were flowing and we were in paradise, I didn’t care about what he was doing. I was so buzzed, I wasn’t even thinking straight; I totally forgot that when he does this shit he ends up being all-consumed with sex. After a while, we ended up going back to our room bringing the devil with us. What a brilliant move that was…

Needless to say we got back to the room and muchas fiestas continued. We turned on some music, made some cocktails and that is when the stories started flowing. My girlfriend and I just sat there being spectators of the shit that started spewing from this man’s mouth. Every story started with, “Listen, listen…” “Listen, listen, let me tell you about the time when this young girl was in my office and was sucking my dick. Listen, listen, let me tell you about the time I screwed my driver’s wife in the car. Listen, listen..” It went on and on and on… And just when you think you had enough… “Listen, listen…” I think he told us about every woman who he slept with and who had gone down on him. I wonder if he thought that this was turning me on, I’m sure he did because he would not shut up. I finally had enough and popped an ambien and went to bed. I feel bad that I left my friend to hang out with him, but at least I got some sleep.

I woke up the next morning and they still had not slept. She told me that she had taken an ambien as well, but never got the chance to go to sleep because of all his talking! He left shortly after I woke up and my girlfriend and I were in no shape to do anything that day but pick up the phone and call for food. We never left the room and laid around all day relaxing and watching telenovelas. We were supposed to see Carlos on our last night there, but my girlfriend was hurting so bad that she decided to sleep and I went out on the town with him by myself.

Carlos took me to dinner at a local restaurant and he started to tell me about what I missed while I was sleeping. Apparently I missed the part where Carlos put on porn and was trying to hook up with my friend’s 20 year old niece! All night long he kept asking me how I would feel about him flying my friend’s niece and me down there another time to party. I gave him the squinty eye look and asked him what planet he thought he was on? How could he ever think that I would be ok with that? I was trying not to scream as this conversation took place and it was hard to contain myself. At this point, all I wanted to do was return to my room and go to bed, but since he paid for everything I had to hang out with him. Looking back, he never was touchy feely ever with me, he just talked about what he had done and all the things he was hoping to do with me one day. I brushed it off while in my head I wanted to strangle his ass and put tape over his mouth. I wish I had brought a pair of ear plugs with me on our date; it would have made that night a million times better. After Puerto Vallarta I am probably going to have a pair in my purse at all times just in case I’m out with a guy who just keeps talking about themselves. It is a win – win for all parties; he gets to talk about himself and I don’t have to listen.

The night ended right before my ears started to bleed from the conversations with Carlos Danger. I woke up the next morning to tell my girlfriend about my bizarre evening. I asked her why he knew about her niece. She said that she was just showing him pictures of her family and he saw her and asked twenty questions about her after that. She thought it was disgusting, but what can you say when you are staying at the pervert’s hotel? We packed up our things and drank champagne and we said cheers to seeing each other and to an exciting/creepy/ strange/pampered weekend!



Never date a guy who……you refer to as Carlos Danger in your phone


If you have not heard of Carlos Danger; his real name is Anthony Weiner, the former New York Congressman and husband of Huma Abedin. He probably is better known for creating a fake profile on Twitter and using the alias Carlos Danger to send explicit pictures to a young woman that was not his wife.  I remember when the story broke; I had to laugh at the name Carlos Danger. Only a perverted creep would use a name like that…hence why I named this guy that in my phone.

Oscar didn’t start off with that nickname, he had to earn it. And earn it, he did so well. It all started when my good friend showed him a picture of me when I was vacationing in Colombia. My friend gave Oscar my phone number and he soon started to text me.  Oscar is good friends with my friend from high school. They do a lot of business together and socialize on a personal level. Oscar happens to be the owner of a hotel chain throughout Mexico, but his primary residence is in Puerto Vallarta. We started messaging each other here and there and that lasted about a week. It didn’t take him long to feel comfortable enough to start messaging me a play by play of his travels. He would be at a conference or awards ceremony and he felt compelled to let me know.  He also had to send pictures of him at every event. I didn’t ask for this information, nor did I care.  It was definitely too much too soon, but I was trying to be open to adventure at the same time. He kept asking me to fly down to Puerto Vallarta to meet in person and to get know each other. I had a three day weekend coming up, and what doesn’t sound better than to go to Puerto Vallarta for the weekend? He would set me up with my own room at his hotel and all the spa treatments I desired.  I made it crystal clear that there were not going to be “expectations” placed on the weekend. I was strictly going to go out on a couple of dates with him to get to know him and have a little fun in Mexico.  So he booked the flight and I was going to see him in a couple weeks.

Then he happened to be in Dallas for the big Sunday night Dallas Cowboys game the weekend right before I was going to Mexico to see him. He asked me to fly out for the game. He was going to be in a corporate suite watching the game and it was on offer I could not refuse. My only stipulation was that I needed to be on the first flight home on Monday morning so I could go to work. He said, “No problem.”  I decided to go Saturday afternoon and I was on the first flight out Sunday morning. It literally was on a whim and with some coercion from my best friend yelling at me to go. He booked me a night at the Four Seasons Hotel in Dallas. I could not believe the royal treatment this guy was giving me. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is!

He met me at the hotel lobby; he greeted me with a big smile and martini.  We went to the bar and drank a couple more martinis and snacked on some appetizers before we had to go off to the game.  I finally went to my room and got ready to go to my first game at  AT&T Stadium.  I had to put some effort into this outfit. I hear that it is quite the scene at this stadium. I could not just show up in my normal tank top, shorts and flip flops. I had to step it up a bit. I decided to wear nice pair of blue jeans, a tight little sweater and heels. The car he ordered was waiting for us at the entrance so I had to hurry up and powder my nose and throw on clothes. As we were about ready to walk out of the hotel to meet the driver, we stopped off at the bar to grab a drink for the ride to the game.   He ordered each of us a double Macallan 25, I was highly impressed. I have never tasted such smooth scotch in my life. He made sure to tell me as we walked away from the bar that the drinks cost him $700! I almost fell over after he told me; at that price I was going to lick every single drop out of that glass.

We got into the car and headed to the stadium; I was feeling no pain at this point.  We were laughing and having a good time. But if you had consumed as much alcohol as I just had, the only thing you would be doing is having a good time. I was in Dallas, going to a Sunday night game at one the nicest stadiums in the NFL and I just consumed $350 worth of alcohol. We entered the state of the art stadium, and this looked more like a night club than a sports complex. The marble floors were gorgeous and every wall seemed to have a HDTV on it. We headed to one of the corporate suites; we walked in and had our own personal bartender and as much food as you wanted. The game started and I was so excited to be there that I didn’t pay too much attention to the game. I was too busy on my phone bragging to all of my girlfriends about my night. I was getting way too drunk at this point.  It was too early in the evening that I had to go to the bathroom and make myself throw up so I could drink more and continue the evening. After I started to sober up, the news just broke that Arnold Palmer had passed away. I turned to Oscar and we just looked at each other and said at the same time, “Let’s drink a John Daly!!!” Arnold Palmer has his own drink, made with half lemonade and half iced tea. John Daly another golfer, highly known for being a heavy drinker has his own drink as well. His drink is an Arnold Palmer with vodka.  And the party continued…

We left the game before it ended; honestly I could not tell you who won, I had no clue and didn’t care. I was so wasted and needed to go back to the room and pass out so I could turn around and board a plane first thing in the morning. On the way back to the hotel, Oscar wanted to get some blow from his guy and asked me if I minded. I didn’t care; I just wanted to go to bed since I had to get up at 4:00 in the morning. After all, he was paying for everything so I didn’t want to bitch about it. As long as I could get a couple hours of sleep it wasn’t a big deal to me.

He and I got back to MY room; he had his night cap of blow and I took my Prince Ambien and chased it with a nice glass of red wine. I thought he was going to leave because he had a room at a hotel across town.  I thought my night was going to end that easy, but that never happens. I laid in bed and as my ambien was trying to work its magic, Oscar turned into a perverted version of Chatty Cathy.  This guy turned into a pervert on overdrive. He wasn’t trying to touch me or make any moves on me; he just started spewing all of the things that he likes to do sexually. From watching people having sex, to having people watch him have sex, threesomes, anal, and everything in between. I was half asleep listening to this and told him straight out, “I am not into those things, I have never done those things and I don’t have any intention of ever doing those things!”  He didn’t shut up; he just kept on talking all night long! I thought there must have been a hidden camera in the room and this was a big joke on me. With the crazy stuff that was coming out of his mouth, surely there had to be a camera trying to capture the look on my face.  I think I got an hour or two of sleep; I’m not even sure because Chatty Cathy kept talking.

My wakeup call came at 4:00 am sharp and I felt like complete ass. I slowly got out of bed and grabbed my things and a beer and headed to the bathroom to get ready for my long day. I thought that having a beer would help my hangover as my head was pounding from the night before. As I walked into the bathroom to take a shower, I asked Oscar to turn on Fox News.  After my shower I needed to grab something from my suitcase that was outside in the room. I walk out and look up at the TV and what did I see??? I saw a very nice lady sucking a guy’s dick on the screen, I looked up at him as he was standing there and I yelled, “That’s not Megyn Kelly! Can you turn on the news?” And I walked back into the bathroom. I quickly got ready and packed up my things. I hightailed it out of the room as fast as I could.  I grabbed a taxi and went to the airport to catch my flight.

My fabulous/nightmare of an evening had ended and I was flying home to my normal life. As soon as I landed, my friend who had set us up called and asked how the evening went. I didn’t hold back and told him all of the gory details. My friend is like my big brother and he was pissed that Oscar did that. He called Oscar and went off on him. Needless to say shortly after that phone conversation; I get a, “I’m so sorry, you didn’t deserve that, this is not who I am, blah, blah, blah…” text message. I basically threw it back in his face. And I took a couple swipes at him too. How could I not? He knew he was in the wrong, so I over did it in my response. I didn’t care because I knew he felt bad, I wanted to kick the horse when it was down.  I had my trip to Puerto Vallarta coming up and with everything that just happened; I didn’t really want to go…

He knew things were strained between us after his repulsive actions and he did what every coward does… he texted me a couple days before my flight and cancelled. He blamed it on personal issues that just came up that he had to deal with right away. He promised he would make it up to me at some point. I went off on him, letting him know that if he was going to flake, he should have been man enough to pick up the phone and call me. He should not have been a weasel and taken the easy way out and sent a stupid message. He agreed, but of course it didn’t change anything. I didn’t care, I just wanted him to feel bad and embarrassed for his actions. It must have worked, because a couple weeks after the dust had blown over he was inviting me to go down to Puerto Vallarta again…

To be continued

Never date a guy who……is on a reality show

One of my guilty pleasures is watching reality shows.  I prefer these “real” shows and not something that is scripted. One night I came across this reality show on one of the pay channels. It was a show based around men getting paid to go out with women. They made the women feel beautiful and special. The men gave them attention that they had missed in their current or past relationships. And that is when I saw him for the first time on my television. He was tall, built, absolute perfection from head to toe (in my eyes) and had these piercing blue eyes. I fell in love with the show and him instantly.

I was immediately addicted to this show. Not only would I watch the show every week, but when I wasn’t watching it I was talking about it to anyone who would listen. I am sure my friends got sick of me talking about the show and one of the stars. Every week I would watch and see him interact with different women and every week I grew more and more infatuated with him. I started to think – “How can I meet him?” “I must meet this guy; we would have so much in common!” That is when I started my strategic plan to meet him. I didn’t know how I was going to do this; I just knew I was going to accomplish this mission.

My first idea was to find him on social media. He didn’t have a Facebook account at that point, so that avenue was a dead end. Then I thought, “What about Twitter?”  I went on Twitter and there he was! And that’s when I saw that he actually tweeted back to all of his fans, BINGO! I slowly started making comments here and there… And then one night I was at a private party and saw these cool blue lights on the ground outside and decided to stand over it wearing my trench coat and heels on. My friend took the picture and I was surprised how cool it turned out. I had a couple of drinks at this point at the party and I was feeling footloose and fancy free. I thought, how cool would it be to tweet this to him and see what happens? If he responds, YES! If he doesn’t, no big deal. Nothing gained and nothing lost was my motto. I sent him the picture on Twitter and he responded immediately, and that is when I knew I was going to meet him.

He gave me his email address and then our “relationship” graduated from Twitter to email. I thought I had died and gone to heaven at this point. Here is this guy I watch every week on my television and I am actually communicating with him, someone pinch me! After a couple of months of emailing here and there, we took it the next step and exchanged phone numbers, HOLY SHIT! This was getting real! He lived in a different town than I did and I happened to be going to his town on holiday for the weekend. We were excited to finally meet in person after months of talking. We made a date for one of the days I was there and it was set! I was so nervous that I was doing all the normal things us women do to get ready for a BIG date; not eating, working out and invite a friend over to help you pick out the most amazing outfit for the most anticipated date of my life.

I flew out to go meet up with my friends and have a good time, but really I was there to meet him, let’s keep this real.  All weekend I was trying to figure out what I was going to say to get away from the group to meet him. I finally came to the conclusion, less is more. I just got up and said, “I have a friend in town, I’m going to meet up with them, I’ll be back later.” They never questioned anything and I was on my way…

I hopped in a taxi and went to his hotel. He was filming Season 3 at this point and we agreed to meet up at the hotel where all of the cast and crew were staying. We met up in the lobby and he was better looking in person than on television. We got into the elevator and I will never forget when he said as he looked me up and down, “Wow, You’re cute!” I graciously said, “Thank you.” I was so nervous; I was worried I would not be able to talk. This was the guy I watched on my TV every week and now he was finally right in front of me.  I was frightened, nervous and excited all at the same time. But one thing I did know for sure; I needed a stiff drink to help me relax.

We got to his room and I sat on one side of the room and he was on the other. He made me a drink and we talked for a little and I slowly started to drink my nerves away. He was very nice and kind of a gentleman. I felt safe and he didn’t give me the creeps. You never know who people really are until you get to know them. So of course I showed up with my guard up and slowly through the day the guard came down. After a bit of chatting in the room, we headed to the pool to lay out (this is my favorite thing in the world to do). At this point I was in heaven; I had this dreamy guy next to me AND I was laying out??? It was like it was my wet dream! We were out at the pool for a couple of hours. While we were there, I got to meet some of the crew from the show. It was kind of a kick for a girl like me to have this experience. After plenty of sun, we went to the restaurant at the hotel and had a nice lunch. I could barely eat the salad that I ordered, as I didn’t want to appear like I care about food. While we were sitting there enjoying our lunch, his co-star came in to say hi to us as he was passing through. I contained myself and acted like this is all no big deal, at the same time I wanted to scream on the inside and call all my girlfriends to tell them.

We finished lunch and went back to his room. We went back and laid on the bed and talked some more and then very naturally we started to kiss. This was the most passionate kiss I had in a very long time. Not only was this guy gorgeous but he knew how to kiss. We were kissing and caressing each other pretty hard, but our clothes never came off. I was happy that it didn’t go further than that. After we were done making out, we talked for another hour before I had to leave and get back to my friends that I forgot about. We kissed goodbye and he said let’s stay in touch. I was happy with that and walked out his door. I couldn’t wait to get in the elevator so I could call all my girlfriends and tell them the story.

I flew home and he and I continued to talk here and there. And then….. I had to go to his town to attend a convention for work! Hello opportunity! I let him know the dates I was going to be in town and we made arrangements to see each other. Again, I repeated my regiment; don’t eat, work out and pick out the most amazing outfit for when he sees you again. I was ecstatic that I got this opportunity to see him again without too much time since the last time we saw each other. At least this time, I would not be nervous. I have already hung out with this person and I had known him for almost a year at this point.

I flew out and was going to attend the convention and attend to my needs at the same time, I was so excited! I wanted to find out for myself what I was seeing on TV. I wanted to swing from the chandeliers and do crazy things that I had never experienced before. He showed up to my hotel room and I opened the door and embraced as if the last couple months never existed. We started throwing our clothes off as fast as we could and started pleasing each other’s body as if we were teenagers. I had not felt this much passion in a while and with a guy who knew how to touch my body. I knew I was going to be in for a good time, hello afternoon delight. After much foreplay I was ready to find out what this guy had to offer…and then it happened. I finally got to feel him inside of me, and it was all that I thought it would be for the first thirty seconds.  After three minutes he was done! Before we could get into another position, he was DONE! This guy who is on TV talking about pleasing women was done? If I had blinked, I would have missed it! He rolled over and I said, “I thought you were a professional!” He giggled and I laid there filled with such disappointment. No swinging from the chandelier, no nothing! Did I actually take my panties off for this?

It was disappointing; this was not the same guy that I watched every week on television. During our conversation after the BIG event he said this “reality” show that he was on was all fake. All the guys on the show were actors trying to make it and the whole premise of the show was all an act. Reality isn’t reality; it is basically a loosely scripted show with wannabe actors. All the women on there are also cast, not just regular, every day women.

We kept in touch after the dissatisfying date. He was in my home town a couple of times and he always contacted me. We hung out and became more friends than we did anything else.  I found myself enjoying the conversation and the physical attraction that I once felt had faded away. He is a very nice guy, I just feel sorry for any woman who sleeps with him. I wish I could tell them, “It is not worth your time, it is three minutes of your life you will never get back.”

Never date a guy who’s……wife left him for a black guy


Finally I THINK I found the guy. You know the one that offers a future and promises the world if you just give him a chance? His name was Patrick. He and I were set up by a mutual friend, so he came highly recommended. He wasn’t my type physically; he was a heavy set guy.  Totally not what I was used to, but I am single so I thought it was time to break the cycle and try something new. After two months of him chasing me, I finally said yes. Yes to the date that might change my life forever. So for the first time I went into this date relaxed and ready for someone that was open to a relationship, someone who is full of life and wanted to travel the world with their partner.

I drove to his house with the intention of having dinner and then going home. I walked in to his house and he had champagne chilling and hor’devoures on the table. I sat down and he poured us some champagne and we chatted about life, what we had done that day, etc…  He was telling me about his latest travels and talked about his kids.  And then… he started talking about his ex-wife. Now, that’s when the red flag should have gone up and made me grab my purse and proceed to walk out the door and into my car to never talk to him again.  But of course, trying to be open minded, that didn’t happen.

He started talking about his very young ex-wife that he was with for seven years and married to for two years. Apparently she cheated on him two different times with the same guy. And this guy happens to be black. And then he proceeded to tell me, “She wanted the BBC! (Big Black Cock)” I was shocked that in less than an hour of me being at his house on our first date he feels the need to tell me all of this. I was thinking, “Why is he telling me this? Why is he mentioning his ex? I’m not talking about mine, so why does he think I want to know that his ex wanted the BBC?” Even though the conversation took a very sharp turn, I gave this guy the benefit of the doubt.

We finally finished the bottle of champagne and then headed to dinner.  We had a fun time (probably because I was so buzzed) at the restaurant. I ran into my parent’s waiter while we were waiting for our table. I told him we were there celebrating our one year anniversary (even though it was our first date). I thought it was funny. Patrick thought it was funny too.  We finished our meal and at the end they treated us with a complimentary dessert with “Happy Anniversary” on it.  We laughed and kept the game going. We went back to his house and I was not in any condition to drive, so I decided to spend the night.  We shared a night cap and I passed out.

In the morning we got up and we hung out, having so much fun. We were just chilling and relaxing.  It was like I had known this guy for months but it was our first date. Our first date lasted twenty hours.  I have to admit, it was hard driving off because I felt so comfortable that I didn’t want to leave.  The conversation of his ex and BBC was a distant memory at this point.

Patrick and I kept in touch the following week and he invited me to a party the following weekend. I didn’t really want to go, but with much persuasion I decided to go. Needless to say, it was fun.  I did notice that he was very eager to introduce me to all of his friends at the party and encouraged me to take my jacket off to reveal my slinky dress.  I am sure I only got the invite to be his plus one so he could show me off.  Because when we returned back to his house, the first thing out of his mouth was, “I’m glad everyone got to see me with you, now they know I am over my ex.” I really didn’t pay much attention to this, as I was preoccupied with trying to locate his bottle of scotch. After a glass of scotch (or three) and an ambien I was wrapping my legs around his waist as I was lying across his dining room table. As much of the end of the night was a blur, I do remember having some pretty wild and crazy sex. We were going at it pretty hard, that it left a huge bruise on my inner thigh for two weeks!

We woke up the next day and it was Christmas morning. What better way to start the day than with a glass of scotch for breakfast? Who doesn’t have scotch first thing in the morning? As we were enjoying listening to Johnny Mathis singing “Winter Wonderland”, he asks me the oddest question that was out of left field… “Am I ok down there?” And I replied, “You have nothing to worry about.” He didn’t, but I was puzzled why he would bring this up. I guess when your young wife leaves you for a black guy, you can’t get over it. Again, I should have seen the bright red flag at this point too. But no, I didn’t AGAIN.I finished my liquid breakfast and had to leave to get ready for Christmas with my family. Patrick was leaving for Australia with his kids the following day for two weeks.

We texted almost every other day while he was away. I found myself missing him, but I think I was just excited to have someone to talk to on a regular basis than I was about him. He isn’t my type at all. I was thinking at times, “What if someone I knew saw me with this guy?” What would people think? I felt that being seen with him would be so embarrassing. He has no sense of style, he was a little overweight, his voice was too high, he doesn’t know about manscaping and he was way too into riding around town with his stupid red Porsche convertible top down (in winter)! After many deep breaths and talking myself into this, I kept texting him. I found myself putting more of an effort into the communication than I did at the beginning. I thought that since he was the opposite of every other guy I had dated, maybe this would actually work.

He flew home and he let me know he had arrived safely. I asked him if he wanted to come to my place that week and I would cook dinner and then he replied with this dinger, “I think I pre-booked myself this week with many friends.” I could not believe what I was reading. He was gone for over two weeks and he clearly was in no hurry to see me.  I was pissed.

We made plans to see each other the following weekend. I guess he thought that since I had invited him to come to my place and make dinner that I would come to his place and make dinner at his house. AGAIN, deep breath, trying to be flexible with this guy and not bitch like I have done so many times in the past. Since the asshole didn’t ever pick up the phone to call me and firm up plans, there was no clear line of communication.  He messaged me and asked, “What can I pick up from Trader Joes?” I replied, “Here are some ideas and recipes, so take your pick.” I assumed that he would pick something and I would just prepare it when I showed up on Saturday. Well, that is not what happened…

I went to his house that Saturday night and we were in the kitchen and asked what we were going to make that evening. He opens up his fridge and pulls out chicken, just chicken! I told him that I had sent all these other recipes and ideas, why didn’t you pick up the stuff to make those things too? He said that I told him to only pick up chicken; he totally bypassed all the other things I suggested. We had to go make a quick run to the grocery store down the street. As we approached his mid-life crisis red sports car he proceeded to roll the top down. I asked him if we could compromise and keep it up since it was winter and I didn’t dress for this. He so kindly replied, “Compromise would be for you to put on a jacket.” I was shocked that everything was all about him and realized how much he enjoys having all the power. This was the same guy that told me how he was the nicest guy, loves being in a relationship, treats his women like princesses and he was always the victim. He pretty much was a big fat liar (literally).

We went to the store and picked up all the groceries that I needed to prepare HIS dinner. We returned back to his place and I was in need of a stiff drink before I started making this guy dinner. After a couple glasses of wine and some George Michael radio, I calmed down.  Of course dinner turned out great, because I cooked it. He was impressed with the dinner I served. At this point everything seemed fine; we had good conversation after dinner. I had scotch and glass of red wine for night cap.  We went to bed and I passed out immediately. We woke up the next day and everything seemed fine. We were standing there in his bathroom brushing our teeth side by side. I swear the way he was standing there looking at his flabby naked body in the mirror; he is seeing Brad Pitt in the reflection. I looked at him and I saw John Goodman (and that would be a compliment). This was also the first time I got to see his body in broad day light and it wasn’t pretty. He had so much hair on his back I was trying to do everything I could to not puke. Again, deep breaths.

I went down stairs to make breakfast and we hung out and enjoyed the morning until I had to leave. He continued to talk about his ex-wife again that morning. At this point I was getting tired of hearing about her. I told him that it sounded like you are not over her. And then he went on to list all the reasons of why he was. I know there is one rule when you are just getting to know someone, the last thing you want to talk about is your ex. But he played it off and gave me some line about how he would never trade his life with her for anything, while assuring me he was over her.  I didn’t buy it, I poured myself a glass of wine and went to go get ready to go to a birthday party.

I finished getting ready and packed up my things and went down stairs to find him relaxing with his shirt off in the sun outside.  What another sight to see! I kissed him and went on my way to the party. Little did I know that would be the last time I saw him.  I walked out of his front door and out of his life at the same time. I sent him a picture of my friends and me at the party and that was the last time I had any communication with him. He “ghosted” me as they say. He just disappeared out of thin air, never to be heard from again.  Can’t say I was sad, I didn’t really think too much about it. The only thing that bothered me about him and many guys; if it wasn’t going to work that a person would be man enough to say so.

My girlfriend told me a couple weeks later that she saw Patrick’s profile on the Tinder dating app.  I had to laugh!

No matter the shape or size of the guy, they can all end up being a jerk. Don’t settle for anyone just because you are tired of being single either.