Never date the guy who……gives you their resume on the first date


Have you ever gone out with a guy for the first time and all they do talk about themselves? They are basically giving you their resume on the first date. I would have to say this title represents several men that I have gone out with, not just one. But one particular man I went out with stuck out to me; his name was Brian.  When you show up for the first date, you are excited about meeting someone new and getting to know them. When I showed up to have dinner with Brian to listen to him, I mean, get to know him. I was looking forward to this date; Brian was about ten years older than me, never married and no kids! Usually the guys that I meet at this point are divorced with a couple of kids. It’s rare to meet a man who doesn’t have baggage, and that was very attractive about Brian.

Brian took me to a very nice steakhouse in our neighborhood. We walked in and walked right up to the bar. Brian is a local patron of this place and knew the bartender very well. I ordered a martini and he had a glass of wine and that’s when diarrhea of the mouth started… At first I thought he was being nice when he started to talk about himself; because sharing is caring, right? He first started to tell me that he was born and raised in Wisconsin. He is a huge Green Bay Packers and Badgers fan by the way. He then went on to tell me about how he used to own a paychecks company and had just recently sold it and is now enjoying retirement. Then he went on to tell me about all the vacations he had planned that summer; along with telling me about his second home in Maui… Brian was very interesting and seemed like a busy individual.

At one point I would interject a couple of tidbits about my life and share the things that interested me. Then the conversation would quickly shift back to him;  to talk about how amazing Maui is, how much fun he has there, all of the sun he gets when he is there and all of the family and friends that fly out to visit him while he is there.  At this point I was hearing what he was saying, but I cared more about what I was going to eat for dinner. I would just respond with an occasional, “Wow” or “You don’t say?” And my personal favorite, “That’s awesome!” He didn’t have a clue that I was bored and didn’t really care about what he was saying. I just sat there and smiled and kept ordering martinis.

Our dinner finally arrived and since we were too busy eating, Brian could not continue his conversation about himself. Shortly after dinner; Brian got the check and we left the restaurant. He walked me back to my building and gave me an innocent kiss on the lips goodnight. I said thank you and went on my merry way. I saw Brian only once more after our first date. We spent the day together at one of the Hotel pools working on our tan and ate lunch poolside. It was a nice relaxing afternoon with pleasant conversation about him and his life.  When the bill came he said he would pay me back because he didn’t want break one of his hundred dollar bills. Of course he never paid me and we never spent time together again.  I see him around every once in a while and we say hi and are friendly. It is funny though, the times he does blatantly ignore me is when he is on a date. Not sure why he acts like that, because I couldn’t care less…

About a year later my girlfriend went out on a date with a new guy she met on one of those Millionaire Dating websites. She met him for lunch and as the date progressed he talked about himself , his condo in Maui, how he recently retired , sold his old company, how much golf he likes to play and all of his future travel plans. He spent most of the date talking about himself, my girlfriend said. Then he mentioned what building he lived in, my girlfriend said, “I know a couple of people that live there, do you know my girlfriend Andrea?” Brian acknowledged that he knew me, but failed to let her know that we had gone out on a couple of dates. When my girlfriend called she could not wait to tell me the story about her date.

I asked her; do you know about his condo in Maui? Do you know that he is retired and sold his old company? Did he talk about all his travels? She said yes to all of my questions. We laughed about it. I could have taped my conversation with Brian on my date and my girlfriend could have just played it during hers. He basically told her the exact same things that he told me. Does he memorize a script for every woman he goes out with? He must think that all women care about his life as much as he does. Needless to say my girlfriend never went out with him again; I think she wasn’t impressed with his resume. She was probably bored listening to him talk about himself.

Last time I ran into Brian; he was at the pool sitting in the Jacuzzi with a young blonde. She looked about half his age and her breasts looked more like a pair of cantaloupes sitting on her chest. I did my best not to stare as I was walking by. I was shocked that Brian would be seen with a gal that looked like she performed at the local strip club or starred in adult movies. I guess with all of his money, it still doesn’t make him a classy guy.




Never date the guy who……is going through a midlife crisis

mid life

Chuckie is my good friend, we have never dated but this type of guy is definitely worth warning my girlfriends about.  I have known Chuckie for three to four years now; we live in the same building and are neighbors. I met Chuckie one night at a bar across the street from our building. I was with my neighbor Stacey and we were at the entrance about ready to walk in to the bar and all of a sudden this guy walks up to me and described my key ring (it is pretty unique). I looked at him and asked how he knew, and he replied I see you all the time in the gym in our building. Chuckie introduced himself to my girlfriend and me and went on his merry way. Turns out that Chuckie parks next to me in the garage, because a week later I was pulling into my spot and there was Chuckie showing off his new sports car to his friends.

I was coming home from shopping and had a whole bunch of stuff in my hands as I was walking by his car to get to the elevator. He said hi and gave me a hug and offered to help me carry the things to my place. He carried a couple of bags for me and when we got to my apartment he invited me to join him and his friends at his place since he was having a party. He was super friendly and outgoing so I said, what the hell. When I got to his place he introduced me to all of his friends and his girlfriend of 6 years. She was very pretty; she had long, brown, straight hair and was tall and thin (I was so envious). His girlfriend was very nice and everyone was very friendly at his place. I stayed for about an hour and met some new people. Chuckie and I exchanged phone numbers and both wanted to meet up sometime for happy hour, as his friends looked like lots of fun.

Since meeting Chuckie I have hung out with him and his friends about a dozen times. If I was home and wanted to go out, I would call Chuckie since he always seemed to be going out and doing something. And many times I would run into him when I was out with my friends and I would always end up hanging out with him by the end of the night. Chuckie and I’s relationship was more of a brother – sister type. I never felt that he was going to make a move on me when his girlfriend wasn’t around.

I always wondered how serious Chuckie and Nicole’s relationship was since they were on a schedule that has never changed since they started dating. They would see each other every Tuesday night and a night on the weekends. I thought this was crazy since they had been together so long. This was a dating schedule when people first start out dating, not when you had been together for years. Chuckie didn’t want to have kids and never wanted to move in with Nicole. He liked having his space.  This was just about every guy’s dream; he had his cake and ate it too. He could go out with his friends all the time and see his chick on the side. I told him he had better keep her as long as possible because just about every gal I know would not be cool with that set up.

Last summer Chuckie came over to my place to watch television and catch up; he walks in and immediately tells me that Nicole just dumped him. He didn’t see this coming, he had no clue what happened or why. She came over the night before and told him she wanted to break up. I can’t say I was shocked; I’m surprised she put up with that situation for nine years. I’m pretty sure she wanted to get married and have kids at some point and she was with a guy who would never give that to her. After they broke up, that is when Chuckie went into a tail spin…

Chuckie had something to prove to the world and himself that he was still cool, could party hard and still get chicks. It was kind of ridiculous, but I guess a guy has to do what I guy has to do to get over his ex. I kept telling him and reassuring him that he is a good catch and he just needed to find the right gal and most importantly; be open to marriage, or he will never have another relationship again. Any woman who comes across Chuckie at this point will be just wasting their time and just be a notch on his belt. Chuckie is still going strong after nine months of being single. He is shacking up with a twenty-five year old and partying every weekend. He is a nice guy, but I wish he would grow up and act his age. The way he has gone off the deep end with the partying has become unattractive. I don’t even like hanging out with him anymore because he is acting like he is in his twenties and in a fraternity. The last time I talked to him he was going on vacation and renting a yacht with his friends and bought some glow in the dark body paint for the trip… This is something I would have done fifteen years ago; he is too exhausting to keep up with.

If you ever come across a guy who in in the mid-life crisis…run! Run fast for the hills. You can always spot them too; they are usually in the mid-forties or so, drive a sports car (usually red) and are trying to relive their twenties. If you are just looking to have a good time, then jump on board for the good time while it lasts because you probably will not last that long on that party train.


Never date a guy who……splashes all over the toilet and doesn’t wipe it up!


They say moving in with someone changes everything in a relationship; I thought they were wrong. Prior to me moving in with my boyfriend at the time; I was spending the night at his place at least three to four times a week, what would be different once I was there full time? I knew this guy like the back of my hand; we were together for almost three years before we decided to cohabitate. What could possibly go wrong?

I moved in with high hopes of a happily ever after… that died about three weeks later. I immediately realized that this was one of the biggest mistakes that I had ever made. Everything was under a microscope now. I didn’t have the same outlook that I once did when I was just a guest there. When I was a guest a couple times a week, I failed to see the mess that this person lived in. I thought he wanted to spend more time with me than spending time cleaning his apartment when I was around.  Now that we were roommates I figured out that he was just lazy.

I lived with my girlfriends prior to him and to be honest; I wasn’t the tidiest person. When it came to cleaning, I would do the bare minimum. You know, just enough to give the impression that the place was clean.  For some reason something changed when I moved in with my boyfriend, all of a sudden I turned into a neat freak. I took pride in having a clean home, a spick and span place when we would entertain. At first I didn’t mind cleaning up after him, it was the only way things would get done. After a while I started to wonder if the only reason I was there was to be his maid.

I started to notice how quickly things around the apartment would get dirty with two people using it; i.e. the toilet. I didn’t have to share a bathroom when I lived with my girlfriends, so I was used to cleaning the toilet every couple weeks. Now it seemed like I was cleaning the toilet every couple of days. It didn’t help matters that he didn’t bother to put down the seat after he would use it. But one thing it did was expose all of the nasty, smelly, disgusting urine that was left behind when he walked out. I didn’t understand why he would not wipe up the splashes that he created. Didn’t his mom teach him to do that?

I would ask nicely at first to clean up his mess after he peed and to put the seat down, too. I didn’t think that was too much to ask since this was the home that we shared together. He took it as me bitching and told me the classic line, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” He deflected the issue and turned it around on me like he did everything else in our relationship. I let it go for a little while, I figured that since I had brought this issue to his attention that maybe he would be more conscious. I guess I was giving him more credit than he deserved, because nothing ever changed, EVER!  He didn’t even put one tiny little bit of effort into cleaning up his piss!

After a couple of months of cleaning up after my pig of a boyfriend, I pretty much had enough. I was sick of being the one that cleaned the apartment while he watched his stupid sports on the weekends. I used cleaning the apartment as an escape from watching ESPN and SportsCenter all day long on Saturday and Sunday. He always would tell me after the game he would pitch in and help me, but that of course never happened. I pretty much accepted that this was my life and this was how it was going to be, as I bitched under my breath.

Then one day I was at my breaking point with him and this issue. I had just gotten done with cleaning the urine stained toilet. I walked out of the bathroom to go get some other cleaning supplies to start on the shower and he came in and went to the bathroom as I walked out. I walked back in right after he was done and I looked down at the toilet I just got done scrubbing and I saw drips on the edge of the toilet bowl. I screamed at the top of my lungs so loud you would have thought someone had told me my mom had just died. I marched right out to the living room and yelled at him for pissing all over the toilet that I had just finished cleaning less than five minutes ago! Not only did he piss all over the toilet, he pissed all over the work I had just done. He called me a cunt and I grabbed the glass of water on the coffee table and threw it at his face. I felt he deserved it after calling me the ultimate bad word in the dictionary. It felt so good to see the look of shock when I did it, too.

My actions started a much bigger fight and we were calling each other everything in the book. Our relationship didn’t last much longer after this incident. I learned from living with this person how important it is to share the same standards of housework. I think you can avoid petty fights in a relationship if you are on the same page on the little things too. Also, next time I will pay for a maid!