Never date the guy who……gives you their resume on the first date


Have you ever gone out with a guy for the first time and all they do talk about themselves? They are basically giving you their resume on the first date. I would have to say this title represents several men that I have gone out with, not just one. But one particular man I went out with stuck out to me; his name was Brian.  When you show up for the first date, you are excited about meeting someone new and getting to know them. When I showed up to have dinner with Brian to listen to him, I mean, get to know him. I was looking forward to this date; Brian was about ten years older than me, never married and no kids! Usually the guys that I meet at this point are divorced with a couple of kids. It’s rare to meet a man who doesn’t have baggage, and that was very attractive about Brian.

Brian took me to a very nice steakhouse in our neighborhood. We walked in and walked right up to the bar. Brian is a local patron of this place and knew the bartender very well. I ordered a martini and he had a glass of wine and that’s when diarrhea of the mouth started… At first I thought he was being nice when he started to talk about himself; because sharing is caring, right? He first started to tell me that he was born and raised in Wisconsin. He is a huge Green Bay Packers and Badgers fan by the way. He then went on to tell me about how he used to own a paychecks company and had just recently sold it and is now enjoying retirement. Then he went on to tell me about all the vacations he had planned that summer; along with telling me about his second home in Maui… Brian was very interesting and seemed like a busy individual.

At one point I would interject a couple of tidbits about my life and share the things that interested me. Then the conversation would quickly shift back to him;  to talk about how amazing Maui is, how much fun he has there, all of the sun he gets when he is there and all of the family and friends that fly out to visit him while he is there.  At this point I was hearing what he was saying, but I cared more about what I was going to eat for dinner. I would just respond with an occasional, “Wow” or “You don’t say?” And my personal favorite, “That’s awesome!” He didn’t have a clue that I was bored and didn’t really care about what he was saying. I just sat there and smiled and kept ordering martinis.

Our dinner finally arrived and since we were too busy eating, Brian could not continue his conversation about himself. Shortly after dinner; Brian got the check and we left the restaurant. He walked me back to my building and gave me an innocent kiss on the lips goodnight. I said thank you and went on my merry way. I saw Brian only once more after our first date. We spent the day together at one of the Hotel pools working on our tan and ate lunch poolside. It was a nice relaxing afternoon with pleasant conversation about him and his life.  When the bill came he said he would pay me back because he didn’t want break one of his hundred dollar bills. Of course he never paid me and we never spent time together again.  I see him around every once in a while and we say hi and are friendly. It is funny though, the times he does blatantly ignore me is when he is on a date. Not sure why he acts like that, because I couldn’t care less…

About a year later my girlfriend went out on a date with a new guy she met on one of those Millionaire Dating websites. She met him for lunch and as the date progressed he talked about himself , his condo in Maui, how he recently retired , sold his old company, how much golf he likes to play and all of his future travel plans. He spent most of the date talking about himself, my girlfriend said. Then he mentioned what building he lived in, my girlfriend said, “I know a couple of people that live there, do you know my girlfriend Andrea?” Brian acknowledged that he knew me, but failed to let her know that we had gone out on a couple of dates. When my girlfriend called she could not wait to tell me the story about her date.

I asked her; do you know about his condo in Maui? Do you know that he is retired and sold his old company? Did he talk about all his travels? She said yes to all of my questions. We laughed about it. I could have taped my conversation with Brian on my date and my girlfriend could have just played it during hers. He basically told her the exact same things that he told me. Does he memorize a script for every woman he goes out with? He must think that all women care about his life as much as he does. Needless to say my girlfriend never went out with him again; I think she wasn’t impressed with his resume. She was probably bored listening to him talk about himself.

Last time I ran into Brian; he was at the pool sitting in the Jacuzzi with a young blonde. She looked about half his age and her breasts looked more like a pair of cantaloupes sitting on her chest. I did my best not to stare as I was walking by. I was shocked that Brian would be seen with a gal that looked like she performed at the local strip club or starred in adult movies. I guess with all of his money, it still doesn’t make him a classy guy.




Never date the guy who……is going through a midlife crisis

mid life

Chuckie is my good friend, we have never dated but this type of guy is definitely worth warning my girlfriends about.  I have known Chuckie for three to four years now; we live in the same building and are neighbors. I met Chuckie one night at a bar across the street from our building. I was with my neighbor Stacey and we were at the entrance about ready to walk in to the bar and all of a sudden this guy walks up to me and described my key ring (it is pretty unique). I looked at him and asked how he knew, and he replied I see you all the time in the gym in our building. Chuckie introduced himself to my girlfriend and me and went on his merry way. Turns out that Chuckie parks next to me in the garage, because a week later I was pulling into my spot and there was Chuckie showing off his new sports car to his friends.

I was coming home from shopping and had a whole bunch of stuff in my hands as I was walking by his car to get to the elevator. He said hi and gave me a hug and offered to help me carry the things to my place. He carried a couple of bags for me and when we got to my apartment he invited me to join him and his friends at his place since he was having a party. He was super friendly and outgoing so I said, what the hell. When I got to his place he introduced me to all of his friends and his girlfriend of 6 years. She was very pretty; she had long, brown, straight hair and was tall and thin (I was so envious). His girlfriend was very nice and everyone was very friendly at his place. I stayed for about an hour and met some new people. Chuckie and I exchanged phone numbers and both wanted to meet up sometime for happy hour, as his friends looked like lots of fun.

Since meeting Chuckie I have hung out with him and his friends about a dozen times. If I was home and wanted to go out, I would call Chuckie since he always seemed to be going out and doing something. And many times I would run into him when I was out with my friends and I would always end up hanging out with him by the end of the night. Chuckie and I’s relationship was more of a brother – sister type. I never felt that he was going to make a move on me when his girlfriend wasn’t around.

I always wondered how serious Chuckie and Nicole’s relationship was since they were on a schedule that has never changed since they started dating. They would see each other every Tuesday night and a night on the weekends. I thought this was crazy since they had been together so long. This was a dating schedule when people first start out dating, not when you had been together for years. Chuckie didn’t want to have kids and never wanted to move in with Nicole. He liked having his space.  This was just about every guy’s dream; he had his cake and ate it too. He could go out with his friends all the time and see his chick on the side. I told him he had better keep her as long as possible because just about every gal I know would not be cool with that set up.

Last summer Chuckie came over to my place to watch television and catch up; he walks in and immediately tells me that Nicole just dumped him. He didn’t see this coming, he had no clue what happened or why. She came over the night before and told him she wanted to break up. I can’t say I was shocked; I’m surprised she put up with that situation for nine years. I’m pretty sure she wanted to get married and have kids at some point and she was with a guy who would never give that to her. After they broke up, that is when Chuckie went into a tail spin…

Chuckie had something to prove to the world and himself that he was still cool, could party hard and still get chicks. It was kind of ridiculous, but I guess a guy has to do what I guy has to do to get over his ex. I kept telling him and reassuring him that he is a good catch and he just needed to find the right gal and most importantly; be open to marriage, or he will never have another relationship again. Any woman who comes across Chuckie at this point will be just wasting their time and just be a notch on his belt. Chuckie is still going strong after nine months of being single. He is shacking up with a twenty-five year old and partying every weekend. He is a nice guy, but I wish he would grow up and act his age. The way he has gone off the deep end with the partying has become unattractive. I don’t even like hanging out with him anymore because he is acting like he is in his twenties and in a fraternity. The last time I talked to him he was going on vacation and renting a yacht with his friends and bought some glow in the dark body paint for the trip… This is something I would have done fifteen years ago; he is too exhausting to keep up with.

If you ever come across a guy who in in the mid-life crisis…run! Run fast for the hills. You can always spot them too; they are usually in the mid-forties or so, drive a sports car (usually red) and are trying to relive their twenties. If you are just looking to have a good time, then jump on board for the good time while it lasts because you probably will not last that long on that party train.


Never date the guy who……is obsessed with their boobie birthday cake


His name was Brady, we met when I was nineteen on the dance floor of a club. Brady was a mutual friend of the group I was with at the bar. He was in the same fraternity that my guy friends were rushing that semester. He had this innocent, boyish look to him. He was not much taller than me, with the bluest eyes and sandy blonde hair. Our mutual friend Andy later gave Brady my number and shortly after our meeting he called to ask me out on a date.

I will never forget our first date; since we were both so young and underage we didn’t have a ton of options of things to do. He picked me up and we went to dinner and a movie. He was so sweet that when he went to the concessions counter he asked me if I needed anything and I said no; he came back with a drink for himself and he bought me a drink anyways. I had never had a guy be so thoughtful and considerate after I had declined his offer. That is why I am so puzzled by the treatment he gave me at his birthday party sixteen years later…

Fast forward sixteen years later and the invention of Facebook, Brady and I reconnected. He was the same well-mannered and respectful guy I remembered from college; and he looked the exact same! I don’t think anything had changed one bit. He still had all his hair, he didn’t gain any weight and his face still looked like he was nineteen. We started to see each other, things were moving in the right direction and he invited me to be his date for his thirty-fifth birthday party in a couple weeks.  He was buying a couple of tables at a lounge and invited about twenty of his friends. I could not wait to attend his party with the birthday boy.

The night of his party had finally come. I arrived at his place early so I could give him his presents and get ready for the evening. I had packed a bag for the weekend since he and I made plans to spend the weekend together. Slowly his friends started to arrive at his place one by one. I invited my longtime girlfriend that Brady knew from college days so he would not feel like he had to entertain me for the evening.  I wanted him to have a fun night with his friends and didn’t want him to worry about me enjoying the party. The very last guests to arrive were his two good gal friends he had met within the last couple years. They showed up with a present for Brady; his birthday cake. This was not your normal birthday cake; this cake was shaped like a nice, big set of boobies.

Brady was elated when the girls presented him with his cake. Everyone wanted to get a picture of Brady with this boobie cake. I was standing in the back of the room at this point with my girlfriend observing what was going on. At first I didn’t really care, it was all in good fun. But when the pictures started snapping, I started to get annoyed. It wasn’t enough to get one or two pictures; he was standing there posing with the cake in all different positions. His tongue was sticking out pretending to lick the cake to different hand positions for about ten minutes. It was at a point where it was obnoxious.

After the photo shoot everyone headed to the bar to celebrate the birthday boy. I went with my girlfriend since she wasn’t going to stay all night and we were going to meet up with everyone there. We arrived and there were a couple of tables set aside in the back for Brady’s guests. My girlfriend and I ended up sitting with one of Brady’s college buddies that we knew back in the day. We were sitting around drinking and catching up. After about an hour I thought it was weird that Brady had not once come up to me to see how I was doing. I got up to go check in with him, as I was heading in his direction he took off and went the other way. He literally saw me heading in his direction and he climbed over the couch to avoid me. It was clear at this point he wanted nothing to do with me, which kind of puzzled me.

I went back to my table and told my girlfriend what had happened, she was puzzled too. My girlfriend is pretty level headed and would call me out on my actions if I was in the wrong. If she thought I didn’t do anything wrong, I pretty much knew I was innocent. After about another hour of Brady ignoring me I got up the nerve to confront him. I marched right up to him and had to corner him so he would not run away. I asked him why he was ignoring me and he accused me of doing coke in the bathroom with his friend I was talking to. His excuse was one of the worst I had ever heard. I told him he was crazy because that was not at all what was going on. My girlfriend and I were talking to him because Brady certainly wasn’t talking to us.

After a couple minutes of arguing I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said yes. I told him that I needed his key because all of my things and car was at his place. He finally gave me the keys and I told him to never talk to me again. My girlfriend took me back to his place so I could gather up my things, take back his presents I gave him and leave. As I was about ready to walk out I happen to walk by the infamous boobie cake…and I could not help myself, I smashed and destroyed the cake with my hand. I didn’t even hesitate either. I took out all my anger on his stupid birthday cake. As my hand was smashing the cake, pieces went flying onto his walls, chairs and countertop. It never felt so good to make a mess. My girlfriend had to stop me from destroying it any further; she said I made my point. I walked out and never heard from him again… I got so much satisfaction that he got what he deserved.

Never date the guy who……lies about their age

age pic

What guy lies about their age? I always thought it was only women that do, heck I am sure I have once or twice in the past. I actually met a guy who did and I could not believe it; because WHAT GUY DOES THAT? I have been told that on online dating women lie about their weight and their age; men lie about their height and how much money they make. So I have to ask again, what guy lies about their age?

I met this group of people in my neighborhood and started hanging out with them all the time. The people in the group were mostly guys; they liked to go out and do my favorite thing, drink! They were fun and we would go out to happy hour just about every day of the week. I must say, this was probably one of the drunkest and social years of my life. One of the guys in the group’s name was Christian, boy was he cute. He was tall, tan and worked out all the time. I thought he was so cute and I was one of the guys amongst this group of guys going out drinking.

Of course he and I were attracted to each other and after a couple of group outings he and I started hanging out one on one. He knew that I was going out with his friends and developing friendships with his buddies. This is why I don’t understand why he would tell me false tales when I already knew the truth.  I knew how old he was, he happened to be the oldest amongst the group. I had asked his friends how old Christian was one night when he wasn’t around; he was five years older than me. When Christian and I would get together I never asked about his age because I already knew, that’s how come I was shocked one night I was over at his place that he made a comment about my age…

Christian had invited me over one night for dinner and a movie AKA: Netflix and chill. We were sitting on his couch and I started talking about as I get older how much harder it is to keep a flat stomach. As much as I would work out, it never seems to be as flat as it was when I was twenty. He asked how old I was and I told him I was about to be thirty-eight and then he remarked with this doozy, “Well you are no spring chicken anymore.” I would have had more expression in my forehead if it wasn’t so full of botox after that comment. Inside all I kept thinking was, this guy is older than me and he is telling me I am no spring chicken? I asked him, “Well, how old are you?” And he sat there and told me with a straight face that he was going to be thirty-six on his next birthday. I so wanted to ask to see his ID, but I did not have the balls to ask. I am sure he would have just come up with another lie.

That night while we were hanging out not only did he lie about age, he lied to me about how much money he made and owning the condo that he was renting. I guess the guy could not put two and two together and figure out that I knew the truth. His friends told me what a great deal he got on the rent at his place prior to him even moving into it. I guess he forgot that I was part of the group and knew the truth. What a stupid guy he was, and I guess I was pretty stupid for even hanging out with a guy who was that dumb.

The next day I messaged his friends to double check Christian’s age, they all replied with the answer I already knew. I told them that he actually told me he was thirty-five, they all had a good laugh. Christian became the butt of our jokes when I was out drinking with his buddies. Then one day we were all out at the bar and his friend Mike was there, this guy had the best comments when he was drunk. Mike asked Christian to see his ID, he wanted to check his age. I just about died! I could not believe what he just said. Of course, Christian just brushed it off and gave Mike the squinty eye look and said shut up.

I never hung out with Christian again, I could not deal with lies that he was trying to feed me. I really just wanted to tell him that he should own up to his real age because he looked great for forty-two, but he looked like shit for thirty-five (if that was the age he was claiming).